Monday, June 22, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Doors represent so many areas of our lives. They open and close leading us through the chapters of life.
But these doors…these doors can seem heavier and bigger than most.
These doors represent a lot of fear and often the ‘bad’ days in people’s lives. Patient’s come in scared and not sure what to do next. Some people walk in, some are pushed in or rolled in.
Here – this isn’t a ‘easy’ place. It’s not where most people want to be – but it is where I want to be. Here I work with a team of incredibly knowledgeable and trained staff and providers. People who give their nights, weekends and holidays to be there for others 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. People who give up time with their families and miss important events in order to be there for others.
I walk in through these doors most days knowing I am scheduled for a 12 hour shift. That 12 hour shift will however often turn into at least 13 or 14 hours. My shifts are so unpredictable that my husband has an app to be able to track if I have left the hospital yet in order to curb his anxiety that something has happened to me.
Through these doors are the rooms in which fears are crushed or at times come true. Tears are shed. Reassurance is given.
The shifts are long and exhausting, physically and emotionally. But the shifts are also rewarding. The trust and ability to help others in a very real way – that is something I am amazed by on a daily basis.
At the end of the shift, I walk back out those double doors. Open the car door and sit. Alone for the first time in hours, able to sit and reflect. Emotions are allowed to be feltagain…because for the last 12 hours – there has only beentime for action and reaction. There has been history, physical and differential diagnosis. Treatment planning and plan for further care. Tears have been shed on plenty of drives home. Many nights I pray more for patients I have cared for than anyone else.
But finally – each night (or in the wee hours of the morning), I walk through the most important door for me. The door that leads from the garage into the entryway of my home. This door represents my other life. The life that keeps me going. I take a deep breath and exhale before walking through. I let go of the last shift – because on goes life and behind this door, is the little dog that will run to greet me wagging his entire rearend instead of just his tail. The husband who supports this craziness that I enjoy and has learned the hard way that we don’t make plans for after a shift... or for early morning after a late night shift.
As the doors keep opening and closing, you learn what’s most important…or rather who is most important. I’ve learned to say ‘I love you’ without hesitation to all those I care about. I’ve learned to be tough – because being the youngest provider and female isn’t easy. I’ve learned being wrong has real consequences, but all we can do is keep learning.
Because the best part? Tomorrow is a new day with new doors that may lead anywhere.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
You are one great kid.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
And since I am overwhelmed and tired and feeling behind already I am just going to list the stuff. Everything we need/get to do. Short & to the point might be best right now.
June 4: Isaiah's last day of school & Charlotte's 5th(!) birthday
I know I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again. I really HATE CHANGE. So while this is all good stuff. Its hard. (And a little bit scary.) Its hard for me to remain happy. Its hard for me to be cheerful and excited about the next BIG thing. But I need to be. Because I have these little people that are also facing a lot of change and uncertainty in their worlds. And they are looking to me wanting to know it is all going to be alright.They are looking at me gaging my level of worry/excitement/happiness/stress and acting accordingly. That is a lot of responsibility when I am feeling this stressed and this overwhelmed!
Or at least alive and not scarred for life!
P.S. I realize it isn't really the end of the world. Joe just keeps telling me I am acting like the world is ending tomorrow. And in someways it does kinda, sorta feel like its ending. Or at the very least changing drastically.