Blogging through it.

"It" being the funk I am in right now. Funk actually doesn't seem like a big enough word. Not enough significance. Because when you sit in a dark room nursing a baby while crying...well...like a baby because your toddler won't take nap...you know you are in a funk. 

I blame THE MATCH and the lack of sleep. And let's be honest, Hannah's 50% failure rate at properly using the toilet is definitely contributing. I'm a hot mess. 

Time is absolutely standing still. All of the worst case scenarios for Match week are running through my head. And when I am not obsessively worrying about next week I am critiquing the heck out of myself as a mother. 

I am impatient. I get frustrated. And angry. And sad. (And I'm not just referring to this week here.) Clearly I am not cut out for this mothering gig. I am not the RIGHT mother for these children. I am failing each and every one of them. I just know it. Isaiah yells at his sisters too much...and I know exactly where he learned that. Charlotte is far too attached to me and extremely emotionally labile. I don't know how to change either of those things. Though I really want to. Hannah won't use the toilet ("because it's white") and sleep times continue to be a battle of epic proportions. Clearly she needs more love and attention.  But I just don't have it in me. I'm spent. Nothing left to give. And Levi...I can't get him to sleep in his own bed at night. Which obviously is contributing to my over tired state. But I'm too tired to work at making changes. 

I'm a mess. 

My kids are a mess. 

We aren't doing so well emotionally. This waiting for Match is sloooowly sucking the life right out of us. It's taken me from a mediocre mother to a failing one. It certainly is killing my blogging. The thing I really love doing...writing about and recording life. The blog is pathetic these days. (I'm sorry.) But it's the best I can do. It's so bad I thought about taking a hiatus. But Joe, my ever supportive cheerleader, encouraged me to keep going. To push through the funk. To blog through it. 

So this is it. Me pushing through. Admitting that I am falling apart. Hoping its only a temporary funk. Hoping that after next Monday I can go back to my mediocre mothering and blogging. Carry on as usual. 

Until then I am hitting the road. Me and my little falling apart army are getting out of town. We are going to see friends. And daddy. We are going to distract ourselves from the worry and the wait. And we are going to pretend to be sane. 

And this is how I have prepared for battle...

Because a solo road trip with four children is a battle (or so I imagine it will be as this is my first time with all four kids). Plus I have the DVD players locked and loaded. Ready for hours of mind numbing entertainment.