The (ugly) truth.

I joined another Bible study. This one meets once a week in the evening. It is a small group of women. All of us are married and mothers of young children. I really like this group of women (despite the fact that I just met most of them)! I feel like we jive well. We get each other. We can relate and empathize with one another. Which has led me to being lax about my other Bible study. As in, I hardly attend it:( I feel like I am cheating on my original Bible study for this new one. Oops.

But that isn't my point. My main point is that in this Bible study we are working through the book "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver. To be honest the first couple chapters didn't captivate me. But this last week the study started talking to me. Convicting me. We were asked to identify which "false belief" we relate to the most. The false beliefs are: 1) the performance trap 2) approval addiction 3) the blame game and 4) shame. I knew without a doubt that I struggle with 1 and 2. Approval addiction more than performance trap. Um hello Facebook addiction and my love of getting "likes" and comments on everything I posted! Yep, my approval addiction was being fed by social media. So glad I stepped away from that. (It really has been a great experience. I highly recommend it!)

At the weekly Bible study we were asked to share which false belief we struggle with and I openly admitted to approval addiction (with a dash of performance trap). Immediately two of the ladies seemed shocked. They both said they never would have guessed that about me because I appear confident in who I am. (I of course was flattered). One woman even went so far as to say she admires me for being so content with my life and where we are at right now. She said she felt I had a lot I could complain about (being married to a student and staying at home with three kids) but don't. (She must not read the blog. Ha! It might tell a different story.) Again I was flattered. 

The next morning I took our van in to get an estimate for fixing some rusty areas. We are getting a small tax refund this year and I thought it would be a good way to spend the money. Fifteen minutes later I had the estimate in my hands and the estimator's words ringing in my ears, "For that price you should probably replace the vehicle as it isn't worth that much". 

I thanked her for her time and quickly loaded the girls up to leave. I knew that we would not be fixing the rust. Nor would we be replacing the van. We just don't have that kind of money. And we won't anytime soon. I am embarrassed to admit it, but as I drove away I cried. I cried because I don't want to drive a rusty old van. It's ugly. And I feel ugly in an ugly van. And as my big fat tears flowed freely I knew that I was being petty. That I was falling into the approval trap once again, but I couldn't help it. I was sad (and honestly a little mad) that I will be driving this ugly van around for the next four to five years (and it will just keep getting uglier)! Sometimes I am just so tired of constantly living as poor students. It's not so bad at 18, but at 30 (nearly 31) it can be tiresome. It gets old. Sometimes I just want to live like a real grown up!

To be perfectly clear, mechanically speaking my van is great. I have put A LOT of miles on it and it keeps on going. And for that I am very thankful. I also realize that if I was working we could possibly do something about the ugly van situation. But for now I am choosing to stay home to raise my babies. So by default I am choosing to drive an ugly van. Lastly I realize it won't always be this way. I know when my husband is done with training we will be able to afford a pretty van. This is just part of the process. But knowing these things did nothing to soften the blow to my ego I was handed with that estimate. 

I wish the ladies at my Bible study were right. I wish I were confident in who I am. I wish I were content with where I am. But the honest truth is I am not there (yet). God is working on me and my heart. I am learning to be confident in who I am (a child of God, loved deeply by Him, and saved by grace) and where I am (wife, mother, ugly van owner living far away from family). Hopefully I will be there some day. Until then I am glad I have a God that is big enough and kind enough to accept me and my tears shed over my ugly van. 

Cool Mom/Bad Friend

Recently Isaiah has been OBSESSED with building Hero Factory guys. However he believed his creations could be better if he had more sets. I disagreed. I thought his guys were great just they way they were plus he already owns TWELVE sets. It's not like he is deprived or anything. Finally after much discussion I came to realize the reason he wanted more sets was because some of the guys have capes and his do not. CAPES. The epitome of cool in little boy world. And that is when I knew I had the potential to remedy this situation AND be the coolest mom ever! I could sew capes. A free and (relatively) easy solution! Yay! A total mom win.

About fifteen minutes and two silver capes later I had a happy six year old boy:) 

Fast forward a week and Isaiah was asking for yet another cape. A black cape. I gave a vague promise to make one later. Later came around on Saturday afternoon as I was (finally!) cleaning out and organizing my very neglected and wreck of a sewing area (in the basement). At the same time Isaiah was playing in the basement and keeping one eye on my fabric sorting and shuffling. He quickly spotted the perfect black fabric. It was a child sized cape that was in my mending pile...and had been buried there for over a year! He immediately asked me to cut it into a Hero Factory sized cape and I agreed (because it was felt and would not need to be hemmed). Easy peasy. 

30 seconds later a Hero Factory cape was created and my boy was happy (again)! And then it dawned on me, that cape I had just cut up...it wasn't mine! It was my friend's cape. Well technically it was my friend's son's cape. She had asked me to repair it...not this past Halloween but the year before this one. I agreed and promptly forgot about it. That alone would make me a pretty pathetic friend. But then once it was finally unearthed, instead of fixing it I cut it up! Oops. That officially put me in bad friend territory. 

(Thankfully my friend is a much better friend than I and immediately forgave me once I confessed.)

See. Doesn't he look happy? His cape-less friend on the other hand might not be so excited about our miniature cape creations...

For about 48 hours I was able to enjoy my cool mom status. Lots of pats on my own back included:) Monday afternoon while walking home from Isaiah's school with all three kids, I decided to try to conquer the smart/responsible/caring mom role too. Since the girls were contained in the stroller and we had about 20 uninterrupted minutes of walking ahead of us, I decided to have an important life conversation with Isaiah. 

I started by giving him a theoretical situation. "A stranger approaches you and wants to show you something and/or give you something and wants you to go with him/her...what should you do?"  He wisely answered "tell him/her no and walk away". I added that he should RUN AWAY and tell an adult he trusts. Second scenario "a person - child or adult - asks to see or touch your privates...what should you do?" Similar response. Third scenario "a person - child or adult - shows you his/her privates and asks you to touch them...what should you do?" Again similar response. Every time he knew to say no and leave but didn't know to tell an adult. The last scenario I presented was bullying. And again I asked what he would do. We then talked a bit more extensively about bullying and the correct response (i.e. not saying mean things back or getting physical). I ended the conversation by adding "it will probably happen to you sooner or later because it happens to almost everyone".

Isaiah immediately had a look of HORROR on his face. He timidly asked me, "All of them? All of them will happen to me?"

So much for being the cool and responsible mom! I of course assured him I was ONLY referring to bullying, but he still looked quite terrified. I really hope I didn't scar my poor child...

DIY Camera Bag [in 10 easy steps]

Step 1. Buy half a yard of 1/4" foam from the fabric store using a 50% off coupon. This activity is best done with at least two small children in tow DURING nap time. This will ensure your camera bag is made with tears and sweat. Both of which will be shed at the checkout counter as every eye is on you and your misbehaving brood. (The blood shed will come later.) So far the only cost should be about $2.50 for the foam and a small portion of your ever diminishing sanity. 

Step 2. Gather together a modge podge of fabric scraps, batting and thread. 

Step 3. Head on over to your nearest amazingly talented sew-er/bag making friend's house and set up shop in her sewing area. All the materials from Step 2 should be brought with and spread out for friend to see. Also remember to bring your camera. Sewing machine and plan completely optional. (I left mine at home.) 

Step 4. Trace camera and take measurements. Scribble random dimensions on paper. Cut foam sections based on these haphazard plans. 

Step 5. Wait for your friend to offer free reign of her fabulous fabric stash (because you obviously came under prepared!).  Reluctantly and slowly accept her generous offer while inwardly doing a happy dance knowing your bag now has a chance of looking cool & fun instead of pathetic!

Step 6. Pretend to choose fabrics for your camera bag. But choose slowly knowing eventually your friend will suggest the best fabric combinations. Then and only then cut out fabric...slightly larger than foam pieces that were created in Step 4. 

Step 7. Take over friends sewing machine  and begin sewing fabric together. Essentially sleeves are created and stuffed with foam and then sewn together to create the bag. It is best to pin the pieces together prior to sewing but not too many pins! Excessive pinning can be dangerous and result in blood shed! Apologize to friend for using so much of her cool fabric AND preventing her from getting any of her sewing done:)

(Three week intermission here. Completely optional. However it makes the completed project that much more exciting!) 

Step 8. Return to friend's house with the almost completed bag and allow her to put the finishing touches on it. Which include top stitching on the front flap and a button hole. Bringing a button along would be a good idea but not required. The alternative is having friend make a hole and finding a button later - that works too!

Step 9. Find a random assortment of buttons in the correct-ish size for the hole. Make photo collage of the top contenders to help make the final button decision...

 

At this point as it is likely past midnight, it is best to NOT text your friend the collage asking for advice in making the final button selection...especially if it is day light saving weekend AND your friend is pregnant with two sweet babies and needs all the rest she can get! Put on your big girl (pajama) pants and sew the best button in place. You can do it!

Step 10. Place camera in your completed bag and admire all your handiwork...ahem...your friend's amazing generosity and sewing talent! Pictures of the finished product are optional but strongly suggested. 

Lastly, since you will still have a lot of foam left as well as all your original fabric you should probably consider making this super easy and cute camera bag too! Or you can skip Steps 2-10 above and just make the other bag...since it has actual directions and easy to follow pictures:) That sounds like a reasonable plan. For now I am going to enjoy my bag and consider making the other one someday (once I find just the right bag to use)! 

Unsolved Mystery

A real head scratcher...

Um. Maybe it has to do with the emptying of the cloth diapers in the toilet (which is within a foot of the spots). Maybe...probably. 

And yes, I laughed until there were tears in my eyes! And then I cleaned our bathroom floor:)

Sunshine & Sludge

Joe says it has been too quiet around here this week and that I need to write something. (He has just recently started reading the blog so I am always caught off guard when he talks to me about it. I think mostly he reads it because he discovered I say nice things about him once in a while.) I guess I better remedy the quiet...

It is in fact ABOVE freezing today! 39 degrees of amazingness. Before today the last time we saw temperatures in the 30s was two weeks ago (more precisely 16 days ago, but who's counting?! Me. That's who!) Yesterday it was in the high twenties and sunny so the girls and I went for a morning walk. We just couldn't stay cooped up any longer! It was our first walk in months. The girls wanted to walk BUT the sidewalks were a bit treacherous so it was a walk for me and a stroller ride for them. Initially I thought I would unload them once we got to the path by the lake. We quickly discovered the path still has TWO feet of snow on it and is completely closed. 

Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. 

Plan B was quickly formulated. We headed to a street in our neighborhood that has virtually no traffic on it and I let the girls go free...

"Wook it mommy! Wook it! It's soooo pretty." -Charlotte referring to the garbage can covered in bumper stickers. 

Hannah was especially pleased to be outside as she begs multiple times a day to go out. And by "beg" I mean dress her self in her winter gear (jacket, mittens, hat and boots) and stand at the front window whining until I either a) give in and walk up and down the driveway with her while freezing or b) undress her...crushing her dreams in the process and watch her throw a crying tantrum instead. 

The girls stopped their walk to race up and down a neighbor's empty driveway. For a fleeting second I thought I should probably nix this activity but the alternative was going home and making lunch...so I let them play. (We do know these neighbors...a little).  Racing turned into stomping on a big chunk of sludge (i.e. the blackish-grayish snow-ice chunks that fall off the wheel wells of vehicles). Again I thought to myself that I should stop this activity. But they were having so much fun working together turning the sludge into a big black puddle. A puddle Hannah promptly fell into and covered herself from head to toe in melted sludge! Poor girl even got some in her mouth. Yuck. This mama should have followed her gut and stopped that activity. Oops. 

Lesson learned the hard way (for both of us)!

Another lesson I learned this past week: when picking up your child from a play date at a friend's house and there is an awkward silence between you and the friend's parent (whom you do not know well) do NOT ask your child how he liked the play date. Just DON'T do it. Even if said child was ridiculously excited about the play date beforehand. Even if the child was so excited he hardly slept the night before. Do not ask! Because that silence will go from awkward to PAINFULLY awkward as your child gives a five minute diatribe about how boooored he was at the play date while very slowly putting on his boots and then his gloves one.finger.at.a.time and then his hat and finally his jacket which you will not allow him to zip up as you can not possibly stand there face-to-face with the parent who graciously opened their home to your ungrateful child for one more painful second! Do NOT ask that question. Instead mention the weather. A much safer topic of conversation. 

If only I had done that! 

And now to reward Joe if managed to read this entire post. A few nice things about him. Today he was done early so he picked up Isaiah from school which meant I was able to nap longer with Charlotte. Yay! AND he picked up a movie for us from the library for a post kids' bedtime pseudo-date. Yay!! AND he took Hannah out and built a snowman with her this afternoon. Yay Daddy!!! He's the best!